Pool Sanctuary

Pool Sanctuary

I awoke this morning with a start. The phone off the hall in the bath woke me. I had been up at 4 A.M. and had gone back to bed. The sound was glaring.

Eleven o'clock is my buddy-swim time. At age 65 I am swimming for my health with another condo resident. It's too early to talk I said to myself. I can't move. I didn't want to talk at all, having called Minneapolis residents for the Presidential race just the night before.

Still, Janice, my swimming buddy, age 80.5, could be down at the condominium pool, hoping I'd join her. At 11:30 I made my way down the hall. No walker in the hallway, meant no Janice in the pool. 

I was sinning anyway. I'd made a strong pot of coffee in clear violation of the
NO FOOD OR DRINKS sign on the wall. I had my brew hidden under my towel. Rules were made...

I set everything down on one of the tables. The pool water barely moved...only a little--like a human breathing. I had entered my sanctuary, my pool sanctuary. Sometimes a boxelder bug makes it's way inside and decides to take a dip. But no little insect legs were skimming the top. I was alone. It was delicious. 

As I descended the stairs into the water, the feel of the water felt cool, cooler than normal. Janice wouldn't have liked it. To keep the vigil, I didn't turn the lights on.

I let my body make it's own ripples, loving the sound. The woods outside the windows is the backdrop I love. Now fewer leaves against a gray sky. 

Thinking of recent horrific events on the East coast, I think of the craziness of metropolitan living, our manic use of cell phones, our demand for services.

I think of the one poem of mine my son said he likes. Inspired by the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu I wrote:

Desiring everything

You have nothing;

Desiring nothing,

You have everything;

Ride the train and you lose the landscape;

Walk the path and become

Part of the flowers;

Swim fiercely

And the waves are choppy;

Float and the water 

Caresses your limbs;

Truth is the root

Of a very large tree:

Sit in it's branches

And embrace--the shade.

I say the words in water.

It's easier to pray when you're alone. So the Catholic litany begins, mostly the familiar Act of Contrition, then the St. Francis Prayer, but whatever comes. I pray for those fighting cancer, a friend I haven't heard of in a long time, my brother, my brother in-law and those grieving his passing. I don't want to leave anyone out, but invariably I do. I'm comforted, happy, when each name needing prayers comes to me. 

I do my backstroke praying from end to end. God swims with me, maybe Buddha, too. (Dear Thich Nhat Hanh says: If you ask Buddha to come, he comes right away.) Come Healing Buddha.

As Yogi Paramahansa Yogananda said: God is everything.

As True as God

A lamb's first steps by Peter Shanks from Lithgow, Australia Wikipedia

As True as God

I wish you peace

As true as God;

Joy to match

A young child's giggles

Of magical delight;

Friendship that endures past

Endings in time like

Ageless siblings at play

Or the vision of how innocence was;

You live in my memory

Until I see you again

And then

All of heaven 

Will be a luminous joy!

I knew you as

A gentle boy

Seeking truth;

I hold you

As one would hold

A star.

By Connie Nelson Ahlberg
Written October 28, 2012

Vote Builders

Vote Builders - Eagan, Minnesota

Old Woman Dozing by Nicolaes Maes

Wikipedia

I messed up today. I was scheduled to phone Democratic voters from 1-5 at the Obama campaign office in Eagan, MN. I thought I was on last week's schedule of 4-7 P.M.  

If you're tired of the election, tired of the ads, and feeling a tad cynical, I have a remedy for you. Talk to the elderly voter, those in their 80's or 90's. I nearly choke up when I hang up. 

You hear a frail voice and explain why you're calling. They sound tentative. You know if you're lucky, someday you might be 80 or 90 years-old. You ask if they have a way to the polls and explain why you're calling. You thank them for being a good citizen.

You can't be jaded talking with the elderly. You know they've paid their dues and time may be limited. It feels like an honor to talk to them. Of course, it's an honor to talk to anyone.

A campaign office has a buzz this late in the election season. With so many on the phones, so many loud voices, it was even more than a buzz this evening. You pray you can hear the person dialed. Not using headphones, I plugged my ear. Someone just across the table from you is calling from the database as well. You think she's too loud, but you're probably too loud. It feels like the whole room is shouting. 

The food table changes: blueberry muffins, energy bars, water, Pepsi cans beginning to perspire, and bags of Doritos. A heavy-set woman comes in with sandwiches from Subway. She's all smiles. Mostly it's women who notice her come in, men being fewer in number.

I find out later at the end of my time, that we're 150 calls behind Minneapolis. We were calling into St. Paul. 

I tried to say Mike Obermueller without tripping over the syllables. I seemed to need my crib sheet.

The local campaign co-ordinator looks exhausted in her blue jeans. Her name is Hilary; she's always there. She said her parents ask her if she's taking care of herself.

"Now I just laugh," she said.  

"I'm trying to watch Frontline on both the President and former Gov. Romney. But I'm so tired when I leave here." 

"Romney is running for his father," Hilary told me, "to finish his father's goal; he isn't really running for himself. It's very interesting," her voice trailed off. 

The Democrats dialed by Vote Builder are upbeat. They're happy if you're happy. You're happy if they're happy. It's infectious.

I'm "with the program," one said. 

Tomorrow I'll go call again from the Eagan campaign office in Minnesota. If I'm lucky, they  will all be in their 90's. 

Prayer of the Dog

Dog Nose By Elucidate - Wikipedia

Prayer of the Dog

Everyone forgets

I have two Masters!

They call me soulful,

And give me all the credit;

Yet, I know I am part

Of your mission;

A good dog can lead

Many to heaven;

I make no mistakes

(Or when I do I hide;)

I fetch; I sigh;

I romp; I play;

At my masters feet

Is how I pray;

Give me my final home--

Eternal love and a lasting bone.

  Amen.

1997 Connie Nelson Ahlberg

Ever I Place My Trust—in You

Level Two Multiverse

By Silver Spoon - Wikipedia

Ever I Place my trust—in You

A Prayer to the God of All Creation

You are Unknowable, Impenetrable Splendor

That throws me to my knees

In awe-filled ecstasy;

Though I grieve Earth’s harshness…

I’m more than humbled by your multiverse,

A sky behind skies, beyond stars, beyond blackness

To You, All Light;

Forgive my lamentations!

Accept my gratitude!

While I am less than a speck,

Keep me part of Your Breath;

                   As ever I place my trust--in You.               

Amen.

By Connie Nelson Ahlberg

Oct 11, 2011

All Rights Reserved.

My Friend, I Will Not Judge Thee

My friend, I will not judge thee, only love thee until we are old and need a cane.
You are a flower with your own lyre in a garden I see;
My words, my words, flow humbly flow to thee:

O friend, I will not judge thee, as I wish to be free from judgement.
I am patience, your devoted friend, as I have felt the sting--of impatience.
I offer thee beginner's mind, the mind of a devoted monk, abandoning any backpack carried for years. I am light; I am free. I am here for thee.

I know the peace of trust; thus, I offer it to you. Feel my arm 'round your shoulders.
I've dissolved in pools of acceptance - so I offer you an eddy of reflection in which I accept your entire being.
Holding resentment is like a poison, letting go I free unencumbered like gentle leaves
rocked in the trees. Forgiveness extends, extends to thee.
Seeking to be better than you takes me to competition, so I abandon striving at your expense.
Working ably and well sounds it's own trumpet. In non-striving, we both are free.
Dear friend, if I am your friend, I accept you--utterly.
In faith, love, and hope - stay with me.

Seeing Through Eyes Darkly - The Illness Box

Lavender Field, Vaucluse, France, near Valreas

May my thoughts and information on mental health benefit all beings.

World Suicide Awareness Day

On the very day I've called behavior health (formerly called mental health) within my health care provider, I see on Twitter that this is Suicide Awareness Day.

In recent weeks, I've felt I should do a public service announcement on my blog on the illness of depression. While one day can trivialize a profound illness effecting many people, I wish to share some reflections and tools which have helped me fight my near life-long illness.

Years ago there was a big announcement based on the study of the Amish over ten-years time. The proclamation: depression runs in families.

Really? I said to myself, hand raised. You could have saved yourself a raft of research had you just asked me. 

My father told me that his maternal grandfather with little feet--cried all the time. His daughter, my beloved grandmother, Phoebe Josephine, had her ups and downs--once so bereft with grief that she went to the rocky edge of Minnesota's Lake Superior after her daughter Dorothy was accidentally shot in the head by a Lutsen Resort guest on the North Shore of Minnesota. Grandmother Phoebe was brought back from the danger she was in on that day. Her daughter lived.

In the family, this predisposition more than "trickled down" through the generations.  Two of Phoebe's sons were diagnosed as bi-polar, a third son struggled with alcohol and may have also battled depression according to my father and cousin.

Many descendants of my grandmother, my father, and uncles have been effected by this predisposition. (Years ago I read that the father passes this imbalance within the x chromosome which is why so many more women than men battle this disease. Now the research is so in depth, it's over my head. The National Institute of Mental Health has the latest research on their website.)

Because bi-polar disorder is in my family, while visiting mental health, I'd pick up brochures from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) on bi-polar disorder and depression.  The list of symptoms became in my mind The Illness Box (as it was frequently shown with a border on the literature). 

Here is the link which ran on Twitter today for World Suicide Awareness Day. 

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-studies/warning-signs-of-suicide.shtml

But for depression awareness here is the link. It is to better caught early to reduce suffering.  

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-easy-to-read/complete-index.shtml

One of my tools when looking at the literature, is that it helps me realize I've slipped into the "illness box." This assists me in accepting my symptoms as illness and to detach with kindness.

People can lose sight that depression can be fatal. Prevention means we deal with awareness and seek help when we, or someone we love--is hurting.

I've been asked in recent months, how have you survived, how have you coped with depression? 

My answer is and was: I ride it out - like waves on water. I try to connect with loved ones, enjoy the outdoors, exercise, work with my doctors on all aspects of healthy living and prevention. I also work on gratitude. I pray. I meditate and try to return to my own breath. 

Unlike my great-grandfather's day, there is now much help and hope for those who suffer from mental health disorders. For the purpose of this entry, I've used some labels. But

it's important we see beyond labels, seeing each person as an individual. Labels themselves can categorize people, dismissing each by placing them in a group.

I hope this entry is of benefit.

May YOU be well. May your loved ones be well.  May we live life in fullness - with smiles, aware of our many gifts.